Returning to Shine... and Garageband

Am listening to Joni Mitchell's "Shine" album right now... It feels completely appropriate for my feelings at the moment... When I first got into this album, it was Autumn/Winter 2007 and I was living with Mark at The Apple Building and I was completely in love with him...but by this particular point I knew that nothing was going to happen between us... And I just felt completely devastated inside and I used to go to a branch of Starbucks and they would always be playing Shine. At the time, I felt like I had lost an integral part of me... In reality I had lost nothing but my faith in a fantasy... I had realised, for real, that nothing was ever going to happen between Mark and I... and that had took a year to surface in my mind... Obviously I'd lost something that I never had in the first place, but whenever you lose something dear to you, you are going to have a period of mourning...and that's what I had to do for a while in order to come back stronger afterwards. Both listening to Shine, and going to this Starbucks after work and having a relaxing coffee gave me sooooo much comfort... I thought I was never going to hear another new Joni Mitchell album.. in fact she hadn't released one since I had got into her music in 2003 so it was absolutely amazing when the album came out, also when I actually liked it, and then even more so when it started to hold so much significance to me.

I feel kind of the same now. I've lost Sandeep and this is my period of mourning. It's so strange because I haven't felt like listening to Shine since I got over Mark... Whenever I listened to it, it just felt like I was tapping into a feeling that I didn't want to address... a feeling of desolateness, weakenss, starting from scratch, finding myself again... But all of those things I feel again right now... and this album now feels just as important, as relevant and as comforting as it did 2 years ago... The funny thing is I never really got over Mark until I met Sandeep...

I've written a lot of lyrics this week about mine and San's break up... I don't know why, but this week has been the most difficult week since we first split back in December... It shouldn't be because Tarni is home and I have more people around... But I guess I'm just feeling lost. I just don't know what to do!! I'm confused.

I was sooooo happy last year... In periods during the past, I have had happiness but I don't think I'd ever had such a feeling of contentness as I had last year. I remember I'd leave work at the wekeend and drive to Dublin to the airport and I'd be listening to Alas I Cannot Swim by Laura Marling and thinking about what me and Sandeep were going to get up to that weekend... I'd catch my flight, I'd have a small bottle of red wine and I'd sit on the plane just thinking how lucky I was to have such a wonderful guy to be with, to have parents that love me, to have such caring friends, to have got my big break in my career, to be talented enough to write my own songs and express myself, I'd even think about how lucky I was to have grown up in a country where I got an education, and a decent place to live... I don't think I'd ever felt so thankful to the world and I was so happy to admit it. I started writing songs for an EP and even the lyrics were positive...

"Suddenly I feel
Like I'm on holiday
I'll talk to strangers
I'll read in cafes

I'll wake up at dawn
Even in the summer
I'll watch every sunrise
And I'll feel stronger

And when I wake
I'm straight out of bed
And I feel rested
Watered and fed

Finally I feel
And I don't have to think
Soon all will be in place
Finding my missing link"

This was early Summer... and then Summer was amazing too... and then I don't know what happened...

All I have to do though is get through these few months and I know that I will be ok. I need to plan. I need things to work towards and to look forward to.

Music-wise, I've had a good week... I wrote this crazy experimental piece on Tuesday night... but it was a bit mental - crazy rhythms with a vocal part over the top... I bought 2 congos over the weekend so I've been playing those a bit too. And I've been learning to use a new software programme called Garageband which I got free with my iMac. Although I really don't want to, I want to buy Abelton Suiter but its about €700.... it's absolutely extortionate... and I certainly can't afford it right now...

So I'll make use of Garageband for the time being...

Ok...time for me to go....x